Time did not permit me to do my usual Holy Week at the Gesu, so for the first time in many years (excluding the pandemic), I am here at home, taking part in Fr. Johnny Go's online retreat and making the most out of this week.
I also looked forward to this week as a time to sleep and revive my workout. I recognize that this is the best time to get back because I know things are going to be tough in the coming months, given all my going around schedules as well as those that require me to stay put. Weird haha but I am thankful for the ability to do such. So, here goes pieces of me that's I've managed to recollect the past three days. The puzzle obviously should be incomplete. I think I have not started putting them together yet, but I am happy I've brought a lot of pieces out and let's see where these take me. New learning. I am very much rooted with the fact that God created me wonderfully. I know I have my flaws but I also am fully aware that God loves me, no matter what others or even myself think. This week I was also reminded of this beautiful thought - truth is, GOD HAS NO USE FOR ME. The only reason why God created me is because he takes delight in me. He likes me. Period. If I serve him, that's already a bonus. This sort of challenges what I have known that I need to prove myself worthy of God's love. But God is so fond of me that I don't need to prove myself to him. Despite all that I do, he will always find me beautiful (God's receptivity). Holy Week icon. I relate a little bit with Simon of Cyrene. It was eyeopening seeing him pictured as a reluctant bystander. I've always thought of him as the only one who carried the cross, a hero at that. Though he really became a follower of Christ after the experience, he hesitated to do that task too. It was refreshing to see him that way. because like him, there are days that I unwillingly carry the burden of specific persons, only because I feel I am expected to do so. I ask myself if I should have just said no, so I can rest or just focus on what I need to do, but yeah, especially at work, I've developed a thinking that less talking, less drama. Anyway, I will not be given anything that I can't handle. Quite a challenge, isn't it? But I think that's a gift, and thankfully, I am still okay. *lol But I think I am mostly like the Penitent Thief. Work aside, in my life, I recognize my sinning in the most recent years. I feel that I am at the crossroads, not knowing what to do with the free will since it has given me so much. I feel more at ease with my life in relation to the work that I do. I feel very productive but at the same time, I know there is disconnection with God. It doesn't feel right. The sinning and the returning has been a struggle, the disconnection with God is felt a bit more these years after the connection with where I am now and with the people I am with feels have been reestablished and made stronger. It feels I stop at the knowledge of that disconnection with God. I know its there, I take a step forward but a lot of steps back. Carry the cross, one step at a time, one day at a time. Continue praying to God. Toxic behavior in relationships. During the recollection, I loved the part where we had to take a "test" and identify a toxic behavior in my relationships, not only with God but with other people. I am excited when we are made to do these things because it always gives a new life perspective. As some of you know, I have stood by this mantra after my 1st silent retreat - in know more about God, I get to know more about myself. And vise versa. So the product of that test is this. Among the three (ghosting and gaslighting would be the other two), I feel I am ORBITING. This term was described as breaking off direct contact with someone, but you continue to engage with the person somewhere but never landing, not wanting to let go. I know I do not justify the bad that I continue to do. I know they are wrong but I continue on doing it. Then after a while, I go back to what it is that I think will bring me back to God, but never make a landing, I guess. This is quite telling of who I am really as a person. I am just not sure of the complete message of this yet. Child mentality vs. Slave mentality Me as a child - I get what God has blessed me . I do have a lot of moments when I feel a bit jealous because of what others have that I don't (I felt strongly when this thought entered my mind.) But I was reminded that God's love and my self-esteem based on beauty, gratitude and generosity. I think I have this mentality but as with everything, it seems to be challenged. But aren't we all are? Me as a slave - I recognized this isn't me. I don't believe that I got what I deserve and that God's love is never based on my usefulness. Thank God. Oh by the way, feeling these feelings are tiring. My Temple Curtain. It's the first time that I was introduced to the concept of the temple curtain. It has always been the empty cross on Black Saturday, so this was something new. I once again felt interested in going thru the experience. Thinking about it, I have a curtain at home, from certain areas of my life to separate me from my mom, out of fear from getting hurt or from hurting her. But I feel this is a small curtain, more transparent. Trauma aside, I think this needs to go down. Because she is my mother. (I say this with a lot of affection.) I have a curtain at work. A part of this curtain has been opened after a relationship with this person has healed. But a part remains closed for the people who I perceive as bullying me, or who I feel always has doubts about me. It was pointed out that this could not possibly be a curtain but a boundary, that maybe I can be honest with these people and tell them that I get hurt when they do that. So I realized that it is possible that I will tear down this curtain when I am stronger and when I am more ready not put I blame on myself. My Easter icon. I have always resonated with Mary Magdalene. The scene where she was called by Jesus by her name, how she responded "Rabounni" and how I feel when I read the part when Jesus told her not to hold on to him. My favorite story. A part of me want to always stay in Black Saturday. I've always believed I resonated with this story. But maybe this time, I resonate with it only because God is telling me - LET GO AND WELCOME WHAT'S IN STORE. Don't let the past go in the way of your new relationship with God. Old dreams. Old expectations. Or so I thought I did. But the story of Simon Peter and the six disciples by the sea of Galilee gave me a new perspective. I think this resonated with me this time. After Fr. Johnny asked us to briefly recall moments of consolation with God, and yes seeing quickly myself in the most recent years, at least for the milestone moments, I feel like Peter here, who sprang to his feet, changed his clothes to be with Jesus. That after what he had did, he recognizes the fact the Jesus could be giving him another chance to really be his disciple. That's why he was move sure of his answer when God asked him if he loved him. This is me. I know I have sinned and continue to sin. But I also know how God loves me and ever so forgiving of me. So I am quite excited to move forward. ps. I still will not be able to answer truthfully if I love God. There is still reluctance to commit, fear of breaking it. I feel that I am in a better place now. I feel content with what I am doing. Challenges seem trivial. I don't feel so scared of coming days as much as I was in the past, esp. pre-pandemic. But I am more confident now. I am more secure now. I feel I know myself better now. I also know God put me here as I have always believed that he has set up these life scenarios for me. In a lot of ways, I feel quite spoiled by him, especially when I see the challenges that the other people encounter. In a lot of ways, I am a chosen one, his blessed child. I thank him for doing that and also more importantly, for guiding me to go thru everything. A lot of times, I fail him. I cannot in my heart make excuses for these. I do not even want to use the childhood or adulthood trauma card to excuse me from these sins. As much as I want to understand the root of all these, I know kasi God blesses me so much. The grace is too much for all the trauma. And when I do commit sin, I know its not because of the trauma but simply just a disregard of the grace he has given me. But again, one day at a time. I still want to enter the convent. I pray to be given the grace to do this. I still want to live a life of prayer. Just living simply and still and calm, somewhere far. For now I know, sinner and all, God is with me. God is rooting for me.
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During my high school session yesterday, a student suddenly wept. I couldn't remember at what point in my talk she began crying because I was in the middle of giving instructions and distributing blank sheets of paper. Her classmates were also starting giving her attention and I didn't want to put her on the spot further, so I took her hand and led her out of the room, led her to the end of the corridor. I encouraged deep breaths and assured her these were beautiful tears, before I left her in the company of her adviser.
Later in the afternoon, among the other girls who stayed on and gave me words of affirmation, high fives and thank yous, she approached me and lingered beside me. I gave her a hug, stroked her hair and whispered "you are loved" to her. This was a rare moment but in different ways, God always assures me that despite this seemingly long dry spell, he remains faithful, steadfast and hopeful for the day when I return to Him. Ako lang talaga ang iniintay. I always tell myself to trust in the good of people.
This is the reason why maybe, I will be quick to forgive. But maybe it will depend on what the person did. I don't remember needing it in the recent years. But maybe I need to remember the good in me so I can forgive myself? Or that yung papa ko ay papa ko, kaya parang we just shrugged off what he failed to do, or maybe because we have gotten used to it? Or maybe the pair from my Pasig life? Did I remember their good that time or maybe I had dodged them quickly that when it was time to face the man, I was okay with it? Pero hindi pa kami naghaharap ni nung girl since then so, I don't know. Is it time to "heal" that pain or we can just "forgive" it? God surely remembers my good all the time. The amount of mercy he gave me is so much that I never felt punished at all, as we have all learned while growing up. I should remember this too as I am beginning to make sense of my life, hoping that I see the good in others, hoping that whether they hur me or not, I would be merciful to them too. ps. New thought - what if what scares me more is not being able to forgive but getting hurt, kaya I just quickly dodge, aka forgive quickly? Teka baka not forgive but forget? Today is the 3rd of March and I will not even try to contextualize the previous month in one sitting. I will randomly write so, Miss Oww, bear with me.
There is gratitude for sure for the many things I am made to experience so far, opportunities that have been presented to me and not necessarily of my own doing. Work, even though there is really a lot, has been fulfilling. In fact, I still have a hard time calling it work at all. I still do things in stride, always trying to protect a certain time of the day that I have alloted for rest. I need to be productive just a little bit more, kasi matatabunan na naman ako nito, for sure. I am always in search for an extra place where I can work, parang "safe house", maiba lang at atmosphere, but most days, I am so scared of spending so much. Kaya pano, di ba? =) Today at prayer, I mulled over the following lines by Jesus: Take these things out of here. Destroy the temple and I will rebuild it in three days. Then the reflection guide says, TEMPLE - His broken body - Resurrection Surely, there is awareness of the lack of time and effort to connect with God. I don't know how I did it in the past, where I feel so connected with Him. It's been years since I had that. There are moments of grace, don't get me wrong, I am thankful for those. But I know the feeling of being in that state for a long time and how this state that I am in really affecting my relationship with Him. I realize that the real me is not the one speaking in those recollections or whenever I come out as "inspiring". That is probably the me that I wanted others to see, and not that real me probably some 10 years ago. I am still picking up the pieces though and today, is another reminder for me that while He can rebuild, "I must take things out and destroy the temple." His Grace will always be there for me, but I have to work on my self too, in order for this relationship to work. Quick messages from God.
I will start by affirming that all the challenges that I encountered this year are valid and acceptable. They are unique and no one can tell me that it shouldn't bother me too much, as other people have worse problems than I do. I may appear as someone without gratitude at this point. I feel I have hope left in my heart. I do not sense giving up.
I got anxious this afternoon, and so I started naming all the colors that I saw in the room (a coping mechanism that I am trying out today, thanks to the Addicted Mind podcast). I got distracted and it worked. It's 11:52 and my thoughts are all over the place. It's a good sign, I think. I really don't know what to say at this point, but I am glad I don't feel hopeless at all. New year in six minutes. No resolutions. I have nothing planned except that maybe, I will work to be more loving to myself this year. You guys have a good one! I was actually praying when you called. I was listening to priest's homily as I was praying over today's gospel. The gospel was about the mustard seed. As I was nearing the end of the homily, tumawag ka. I always pickup up at once when you call. I always think na may important kang sasabihin. Tapos nag-usap tayo. It started with you remembering something about how my sister said HELLO each time she would answer the phone when you called home before. To you checking on how BDO was dealing with the finance charges of my credit card, leading to you remembering how my aunt would bring stuff to give to the BDO personnel, just like how your mom would bring baked macaroni with bechamel sauce to the UCPB staff. To me recognizing how my sister is doing right now, a wonderful mom of 3. Then I continued on with the homily and this was what the priest said. "It is the mastery of ordinary things that extraordinary ones come to life. Wait for it." Your mom, my sister, lived/living seemingly ordinary lives but look at what they gave/are giving life to. Come to think of it. This is what we often do. More than workmates, we are best friends. It is not just the Madz that we breathe. We live for ordinary moments to. And if you look closely, this is what makes life together extraordinary. ps. Hoping for a better title for this post.
"To proclaim a year acceptable to the Lord." (Luke 4:19) Herb Brooks, the great coach of the miracle 1980 US Men's Hockey Team, said in his famous speech, "This is your time. Now, go out there and take it." I've been replaying this movie for two days now, thinking that it might be a good idea to watch movies about teams, to help direct the course of my year. After all, I am in a team that hopes to move a mission more this 2021. I've been wondering what this line meant to me and maybe today, I found my answer. Jesus is suddenly all-grown up in the gospel today. (After his 1st "birthday" just last week, I wondered, "where did time go?") He wastes no time in doing what he is meant to do. He knew it. His eyes were opened to the situation of the people - divided by the political situation at that time. He picks up the Bible and boldy proclaims, "Today, the scripture passage that you are hearing, is fulfilled today." And when he said it, he did not only affirmed his life mission, he accepted it. HE TOOK IT. I am very much aware of my situation, the mission that is presented to me. Just as Herb Brooks believed that there was something more that Jim Craig, that amazing goalie of the team, can do but refuses to let go, I think the Lord has been ever so persistent, in "shoving" all these opportunities to me. Just like when Ma'am OA believed that I had the makings of good soprano 1, she "insisted" that I sing with the great Jane Diaz in those s1 lines. Just like when our "ambassador" keeps on rescuing me from the pit (where now, it feels like a place where I'd like to hide when I REFUSED to move on), continuously putting me in a place of leadership. It now dawned on me that I might simply refusing to FULLY embrace that I can be a key part of this mission. That I've got what it takes to contribute greatly to something as amazing as this. Odette, there is no doubt that this is your life's mission. You've steered yourself away from this for a lot of times, but God just keeps on bringing you back here. You know that. You also know that things are never easy. They will always be challenging. But there is always that assurance that God will never bring you to a place where He knows you can't handle it. Forget the pit. Take refuge in God instead. This is your time. Now go out there and take it. WARNING : IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION, PLS. DO NOT READ THIS POST. Someone once told me that during offertory, our guardian angels bring to the altar all the good that their wares have done and if there is none, they weep.
I have not been feeling myself the past days. I can sense it. The question of my “usefulness” and worth in the work that I have done has escalated into recognizing how dysfunctional I am and how toxic I can be to other people. I cannot seem to find the best way to process the thinking and the feeling when this happens (this is not the first time) and the way to act where I will not hurt anyone. Moments like this lead me to hurt myself with really unkind thoughts and worse, vent on someone else. Yesterday, the most unforgivable thing happened. I was attending the online mass and during the offertory where I was supposed to offer all the things that I have done for the day, I offered to God something else. Because I was in this situation, I think I told God what if mawala na lang ako, what if I just end everything right now. This has happened before in 2005. I thought about it longer then. I even had the time to give what could have been the final “thank you” to a few friends. This time around, it was a fleeting thought. It was quick but I felt so ashamed after. I am still not ok. I am functioning but I know deep inside, there are a lot of things happening. I will be asking for help and I will be closer to prayer. I am not physically alone so, I think I will be safe. Hay. Lord, have mercy. Slept and woke up with a terrible sense of doubt. Are the things that I do right now even mean anything? As the priest at mass spoke about how their ministry would bring them to situations where they could be quickly moving from one task or place to another, I thought that would be nice to do. I played with the idea of being a religious one more time, sabi ko sa sarili ko, parang gusto ko na lang magdasal nang magdasal. It is the place where I feel so secured and safe, not from others but from myself, truly one of those days when I don’t trust the person that I have become. But towards the end of the homily, after I heard how Jesus repeatedly consecrated (he said it 3 times in this particular gospel) us to his father at this departure from our life. Parang di sya makaalis till he was secured that God would promise our continued protection, just like what he did while he was here. He continuously vouched for us, for me. Kaya nila ‘yan. Kaya nya ‘yan. Nakita ko paano sya kumilos. Nakita ko ang mga mabubuting bagay na ginagawa niya. Nakikita ko ang mga pagsubok na pilit niyang nilalampasan na may pananampalataya sa akin, sa atin. Nakita ko kung paano sya nakabangon noon, makakabangon yan ngayon. How does one do justice to the One who continuously exalts us despite these moments? |
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